Missives in her drawer
by OtterAndTerrier
Summary: For five Valentine’s I secretly wrote to you, seeking for clearing up my thoughts and feelings when everything seemed too confusing or painful as to hold them back." - Hermione's collection of unsent letters


A/N: I originally planned this to be posted about Valentine's Day, since, as I've got no one to celebrate with, at least I use it as an inspiration for my artistic moods. But I didn't post it, obviously. So, beta-read and all (by my friend Lisa), here it is, a collection of letters by Hermione's hand (okay, by my hand. Use your imagination). Hope you like it!

Also, this stupid editing thing doesn't let me arrange my document the way I want, so... sorry about it. It looks nicer in a Word document, haha. Reviews are much appreciated.

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the following characters or references to the Harry Potter series, it all belongs to JK Rowling.**

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Missives in her drawer**

14th of February, 1994  
Dear Ron:  
I'm writing this not for you to read, but because my mother always said to me that when you can't convey your emotions, the best is to write them down. And since you won't listen to me and will probably never speak to me again, this is as much as I can do to prevent myself from exploding. It's just that... I can't believe what we're going through for two stupid pets! I simply don't see what you see, don't understand why you're being so blind and biased against my cat, when it's obvious any other cat in the castle could have had your rat for breakfast if he was more active as to be spotted!  
You probably don't believe how sorry I am for Scabbers' death, but I am, because it was your pet after all and I respect that. But that's not a reason for you to hate me this much. I don't know why fates or fortune goblins or whatever Trelawney would say wanted me to have a cat and you to have a rat, but... were they really worth enough as to ruin a frienship? Or, perhaps, our friendship was never meant to happen. After all, you never really liked me, from the start, and now I feel even more stupid, thinking that I forced you to bear me for the past three years while you still considered me a nightmare. Now I was left without anything but a terrible guilt feeling, a constant stress, a huge amount of responsabilities and my cat. And it's not enough.  
I sincerely hope that you will forgive me sometime, even if we are never friends again. But I'm writing this never delivered letter on Valentine's, which is also a day to celebrate friendship in some way, wishing that we will be.  
Happy Valentine's Day!  
_The girl with the cat._

14th of February, 1995  
Dear Ron:  
I thought it'd be a good idea to write to you this year again, it's kind of a healthy, quiet therapy. I'm completely sure you have not forgotten about what happened on Christmas, since neither have I. To be honest, I was expecting an opposite reaction from you: outrage at first because I rejected to be your auxiliary escort, but indiference and perhaps jealousy because you would have died to be Viktor's partner yourself. But nothing like the way you behaved towards me that night. I took me several days trying to understand what everything means and convince myself with about the only possible explanation. See, that's the problem with being best friends with two guys: that Harry would never talk to me about this stuff and you... you are the one involved. Thank goodness Ginny is willing for that.  
All in all, I've got to thank you for not having asked me in the first place, otherwise I would have missed certain things. I wouldn't have met Viktor, who is very interesting, kind and really likes me. We kissed, in fact (something that you don't need to know and you shall therefore remain unaware of, I hope, forever), but since I'm not sure my feelings match his, I told him we better stayed friends for now. Also, if you had asked me first, I probably wouldn't have known your true feelings. I'm still trying to figure out my own, but at least I'm happy to know that, deep inside, you do not hate me, which was my worst fear. Well, maybe if you had come with me to the Ball, I would have found out about it anyway? Would it be you the one who I had to turn down?  
Happy Valentine's Day!  
_The girl who is indeed._

14th of February, 1996  
Dear Ron:  
I'm sorry you have to spend this day training and attacking your low self-steem instead of going to Hogsmeade, but at least you will have a friendly face (mine, of course) supporting you from the bleachers for two hours, although I'm not sure you'll notice or care, since you actually did not seem to give a damn to my good luck kiss, in fact. Anyway... I don't know how different this day would be if you were not training, but I felt so jealous watching Harry all in love and with a date on Valentine's! One part of my brain keeps imagining you and me walking through Hogsmeade alone, walking, perhaps holding hands. But then the rest of my brain reminds me that you are a friend, that it's common knowledge how much trouble is to think of a friend becoming something more and that you probably don't even think about it. Yet to get mad whenever you hear about Viktor, even when I sincerely speak the truth of our current relationship, gives me the right to wonder, don't you reckon? And still, you are a pain, a complete idiot! Why do you like to see me infuriated, what's so entertaining about it? I'd wish with all my heart guys weren't so tactless and I'm indeed considering writing that book, and give it to you.  
Merlin's pants, you've dropped off the Quaffle to wave at me. Am I really wonderful? It'd be nice to know you don't think that only when I get you out of a mess with homework.  
Happy Valentine's Day!  
_The girl waving back at you._

14th of February, 1997  
Much Despised Ron:  
I would be very disgusted if I re-read last year's letter and compared it with the actual state of things; in fact, I want to flush it away and I don't know why I keep writing this year. At first, you pulled out of me tears of real misery; now, I have for you nothing but the hardest swearing words. Do I have the right to be angry? Well, if you consider how my naive self thought you really desired and had accepted to be my guest to Slughorn's party and the way you finally changed your mind, Lord knows why, yes, I've got that right. Do you have any idea how much courage it took for me to ask you, when it was in my hands this time and as a first option, never considering someone else? But no, you had to take my heart, fling it from the highest tower to see where it landed and have an Erumpent standing on it. Which leads me to think that you would have only said yes for pity, but you rather hooked up with the first girl who showed some interest in the most obvious way.  
I can't understand why I've worked so hard in convincing myself about you, when it's clear you still don't see me as a girl and probably never will. Now I can't even respect you as a friend anymore. I sincerely hope you will choke on her saliva today, whatever you filthy people are up to.  
Happy Valentine's Day!  
_The girl who thought she liked you._

14th of February, 1998  
Dear Ron:  
If I ever felt pain, and sorrow, in my heart before, it was nothing compared to what you made me go through not so long ago. Everything was going good, everything was close to ideal between us, almost a perfect situation. Our mission was failing, but it was enough for me to know that I had Harry and _you_.And then you left. Angry at me. Did you even know what to choose is? For me, abandoning my friends is not a choice. But leaving the person I love storming away from me isn't, either. Because now I'm sure: I love you. It's not that I'm all in a cheesy mood, result of being secluded and with the two same faces to look at, on Valentine's. I do, I love you, that's why I pleaded for you to come back, I cried for you, I cried for myself, I secretly thanked the Lord when you came back and now I can't keep denying it. I still think you're an arse, but that's the way I like you, remembering you did want to come back. For now I feel safe, quiet, glad that you're alive, that we are alive, and nothing else should haunt my dreams. But now I cry inside, wishing that the person I love would hint he loves me back, craving to be hugged when I'm scared, to be kissed when I'm sad, to do all of these and be happy again before somebody murders us. And nothing happens. Come what may.  
Happy Valentine's Day!  
_The girl who knows she loves you._

14th of February, 1999  
Dear Ron:  
For five Valentine's I secretly wrote to you, seeking for clearing up my thoughts and feelings when everything seemed too confusing or painful as to hold them back. I hope you will consider me giving them to you today as a proof of how strong my feelings for you have grown. At the present time, I feel like I can't get enough of your kisses, of your touch, of your messy hair in the morning. I keep wondering how our feelings never met before if they were the same!  
And I still ask you what would have happened if it hadn't been me, the one who took the first step, and you still say maybe it was the way it had to happen. I've had to believe it. The right hint, the right time, the right person.  
Everything is so much clearer now, but even if strange clouds and shadows crossed our skies, you will be my portable fire, and I will be your right little ray of sunshine.  
Happy Valentine's Day!  
_The girl lying beside you._


End file.
